Isn’t being positive a good thing?
“Hey Alexa play… actually don’t play ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ by Bobby McFerrin.”
No shade at Mr. McFerrin, but this song gives me that iconic popping forehead vein you’ve probably seen in your favorite anime. Michelle, are you seriously upset about a song that’s encouraging positivity? First of all, maybe. Second of all, I can appreciate the message that adding worry to a stressful situation can indeed make your current experience worse. However, telling me to “be happy” feels about as kind and caring as telling me to “yonder elsewhere,” but with more explicit words.
Intended or not, this is a pretty spot-on example of “Toxic Positivity.” Toxic positivity is the belief that one should maintain a positive attitude no matter what. So in this song, he’s talking about how someone stole his bed, his landlord is about to pursue legal action to obtain rent he’s late on, and a series of other unpleasant events and he’s still pushing the agenda of being happy. Have you ever been late on rent and don’t have the money to pay and have just been able to flip a switch and “be happy?” Bobby’s singing about a world I’d like to live in, but not the world we currently live in.
One of the most ironic aspects of toxic positivity is that when people are often sharing it, it sounds so harmless. “Look on the bright side!” “Happiness is a choice.” “Good vibes only.” “At least….” Honestly, anything starting with “at least” raises a flag. It sounds good, right? Like we’d all love it if we could say one of these phrases and magically these issues are no longer problematic.
My question is when we’ve been told any of these phrases, have we ever felt better?
Often when we’re given the advice to “just stay positive,” it communicates some underlying meanings that aren’t often acknowledged.
It discourages connection: toxic positivity doesn’t make space for us to share with others
It minimizes: if we’re hearing, “everything happens for a reason” it really takes the thunder out of what we want to share and implies it’s not really a problem
It implies we’re feeling wrong: as we’ve come to an incorrect conclusion and our feelings indicator is broken. (Gentle reminder: ALL feelings are valid.)
Overall, these statements also stunt growth. When we’re going through tough times, facing problems, or are in situations that need change, one of the least helpful things we can do is pretend our problems aren’t even problems.
Toxic positivity can be sneaky though, I’ve absolutely gotten caught up in it, especially when it’s in a post on Instagram and the aesthetic is on point. Toxic positivity shows up as:
Overly feel-good comments
Simplified advice
Comments that minimize feelings
Statements that focus on only one feeling
So what do we do about toxic positivity?
Honor all our feelings – not just the ones that are “on brand” or feel good
Express self-compassion to ourselves when we feel minimized or invalidated
Focus on truly listening to others and not giving in to the pressure of finding a solution
Embrace that feeling positive all the time isn’t realistic – we all feel down sometimes
Toxic positivity really has this charisma to it, an energy that makes it almost seem like it has a moral high ground. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being positive. Along with most things, when it dominates the experience it can become problematic.
If you feel like you might be struggling with positivity, negativity, and all the feelings in between, the great news is, I’m an expert on big feelings. I invite you to reach out today to figure out how to make these big feelings make sense in your life.
Take good care,
Michelle
