Am I coping or distracting?

“Hey Alexa, play ‘I’m Not Alright’ by Bryce Vine”

The grand question “is what I’m doing coping, or am I just distracting myself?” I hear this asked in sessions at least once a week. What does it even mean to cope? Is my coping healthy?

Coping in a nutshell is how we decide to help ourselves through tough moments. Coping can look vastly diverse. Coping can be playing Roller Derby on a team, making a playlist of your favorite songs, binge-watching The Office on repeat, deep breathing skills, going out for drinks, taking a mental health day from work, going to Renaissance Fairs, online shopping sprees, grabbing lunch with a friend, skydiving, smoking marijuana, baking sourdough bread, doing laundry, taking a yoga class, having sex, taking a nap… the list can clearly go on for miles. 

Now, Michelle? Did you really put sex, drugs, and rock and roll on a list of “coping skills?” Yes, I sure did. Remember, coping skills help us get through tough moments. Not all coping skills are created equally, and some coping skills have negative consequences. 

In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) we spend a lot of intentional time “un-gluing” the perceptions that things are “bad” or “good.” When we have tendencies to immediately judge and label, we refer to this as “black and white” thinking; it’s either right or wrong, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, etc. In DBT we understand that so many things are nuanced and can’t fit into distinct categories. There’s a ton of gray in our world; no matter how much we wish things were black and white.

We all know people who will shout from the hilltops that drinking alcohol, spending sprees, using substances, and other behaviors are all “bad.” I’m here to say they’re coping skills, AND that there can be some negative consequences. If we choose to smoke marijuana and know that it is against our company’s policy and get selected for a random drug screening, we risk getting fired. These are individual choices we all have to make. How we choose to cope can support us in our long-term goals, or can distract us.

When thinking about distractions, I immediately remember Doug from the movie “Up” and imagine him losing focus and shouting “SQUIRREL!” Distractions shift our focus from the immediacy of what we are thinking, doing, or feeling. Binge-watching New Girl can take our focus away from stress we might be thinking about from work. Drinking alcohol can lower our inhibitions and make us feel as though our anxiety isn’t as overwhelming and that we can forget about things for a while.

Wait, wait. Michelle, you’re telling me the same things that can be coping skills can also be distractions? Exactly, and this is where things get nuanced. When I sit with clients trying to sort out their behaviors, we explore the function of the behavior. How do our behaviors impact our life? For example, when we call a friend and talk about work stress, are we getting these feelings and emotions out and feeling relief from venting or does it tend to throw us into a rumination loop once the call ends? If we’re going out for a drink to let go of some frustrations of the day is it giving us a change of pace that allows us to feel relief or are we drinking to excess where we’re noticing financial concerns, hangovers, and issues with our relationships?

It’s impossible to lay out all of the reasons for our behaviors, but a helpful way to reflect and have a deeper understanding is by exploring them in a non-judgmental way. Are these behaviors supporting or taking away from our goals? If we’re trying to save for a big trip with friends that we’ve been excited about for months, going on shopping sprees that dip into the money we’ve saved for the trip isn’t aligned behavior. On the flip side if we’re working on our anxiety and we know that taking a walk helps us get some energy and self-regulate, will scheduling time into our day to take daily walks help?

It’s not my job as a therapist to tell anyone what to do. I want to help equip others with the skills it takes to understand what we’re doing and why we’re doing it so that we (or they) may live more fulfilling lives.

Reach out today if you’re looking to understand your behaviors more and how they’re impacting you and those around you. I provide a non-judgmental space to talk through these things that can feel difficult to speak with others about and help you figure out what works specifically for you.

Take good care,

Michelle