Why do friend breakups hurt so much?
The infamous friend breakup.
“Hey Alexa, play ‘I Hate You’ by Oliver Tree”
No matter what age we find our friends, we definitely have the inclination to think that when we “click” or find that close bond, they’re going to be a forever friend. After all, as humans, we’re wired to crave acceptance and belonging. What could be more inclusive and welcoming as a forever friend?
And yet, later on, some of us will be gifted (used loosely) with the friend break up. There are a few songs about it, but as I peruse the social conscious and music catalog, I don’t find too many songs about the specific hurt involved in friend breakups.
There are a few quotes I’ve heard or seen when I was looking for comfort from a friend breakup. Some of them were “friends for a season and a reason,” “we never lose friends, we only realize who the real ones are,” or “friendship is not capable of ending, if it ends it is only because it never existed.” OOF. I’m not sure about you, but that felt like a gut punch.
What am I supposed to take away from this cluster of quotes? Friends are fleeting? They’re only used to teach lessons? I will end up having fake friends? The “friendships” I thought I had are null and void because they ended? Sounds like a trash dumpster to me, honestly.
In actuality, friend breakups often resemble romantic relationship breakups. Friend breakups and romantic breakups are similar because:
High intimacy: in these relationships we’re often sharing vulnerable parts of ourselves and learning vulnerable things about them
Lots of time together: it’s a pretty natural consequence that if we like someone, we want to hang out
Commonalities: we share so much with them, like activities, interests, places, and often people as well
Acceptance and Belonging: as mentioned before, we as humans crave it
Support System: we go through hard and easy times in life and these people are likely the primary people in our support systems
Seems like the way we form relationships with people – whether romantic, platonic, or other intentions is all pretty similar, right? Here are some general ways that friendship breakups often differ from romantic breakups:
The Drift of Doom: that experience when a friend seems to become less and less available, or vice versa when we find ourselves wanting to spend less time with these people?
No Clear Ending: similar to the drift it can be difficult to pinpoint when the friendship ended or even why
But why??: “Did I do something?” Often when there is an unclear ending it can leave us feeling like we made a mistake and blame gets misdirected for the lack of closeness
Social invalidation: with romantic breakups, there are not many people who are going to doubt it hurts. They might encourage taking time, eating some ice cream, hitting the gym, or whatever. For some reason though, when friends breakup we’re supposed to just be able to move on easier? Sounds like hot garbage.
Sometimes our friendships look just like romantic relationships, but with different boundaries. There may be more sexualized behaviors that are off-limits with friends, but part of our romantic relationships. Breakups can also sting extra from the invalidation we often have from the world around us and sometimes even our support systems.
So what can we actually do when facing a friend breakup that others are not inclined to take as seriously as a romantic relationship? It was a relationship that meant something to you. They might have been one of the first people you went to when you had news you were excited to share, and this person isn’t in your life anymore. Plain and simple, that huge loss hurts and I’m here to tell you it’s okay to grieve and feel the pain of losing someone close to you and that grief isn’t reserved for loss through death. Spending some time honoring the grief you have for what you lost is one of the most effective ways to heal through it.
Maybe as you read this, there’s a friendship that popped up in your mind. If you need a non-judgmental space to talk about it and learn how to make meaningful friendships with people who support you and care for you the same way you do, reach out for a free consultation and let’s see how I can help!
Take good care,
Michelle
